6:17 AM Saturday, February 28, 2015

It has become quite obvious that these trials are meant to bring us closer to God. This is been a frustrating difficult month for both of us. Last night Kym said she thought the situation was hopeless. I have never lost hope along the way. I believe that God is working in our favor. He is working in us, for us, and on behalf of us.

Don’t stop believing – Journey
It is well with my soul – Mahalia Jackson

I am reminded of the insurmountable odds faced by people like Job, David , even Jesus.  Through it all they had the hope and faith that saw them through the worst of times and the worst of times created the best of times. Being mere mortal man they had their failures, oh when the time came to step up to the plate, they knew that God would never leave them or beseech them to turn his back on them.

I am reading a book called “Empty”. Which says basically that we must empty our minds and our souls so that God can fill them with the Holy Spirit. I truly believe this is so. Many, many times during the day , since I read that book, I have said to myself and prayed to God, ‘Empty me, Lord so I may be filled by you.’ Now is not the time to get up . Now is the time to put on the armor of God once again, move forward and discover for ourselves the plan that He has for all of us .

I worry quite a bit about Kym . She seems to be growing more and more depressed, and more and more hopeless, and more and more like a zombie every day. When things are looking up during the week she seem to be better . But since you get the latest news about her temporary disability she completely went down the tubes, depressed, seemingly hopeless, not responsive to what God has for her. Lord please bring her back from the belly of the whale, from the Lions den, and even from the cross so she maybe filled with your spirit your hope and your love. We will see through this. Thank you precious God for all you do for us.

10:00 AM Monday, February 2, 2015

He was a friend of mine by Bob Dylan
It turns me inside out by Lee Greenwood

There is nothing quite like taking your dog and to be euthanized to really cheer up that old depression. Because it was felt (Kym more than me) that Murphy was past gone and his quality-of-life was not what it should be, we made the difficult decision. That poor little guy was a fighter right until the end but I never will forget as he looked up at me sitting in my lap on the drive over to the vet. Murphy also licked my hands a couple of times. It broke my heart. Traitor! Betrayer! Dammit I know that every pet owner goes through this at one time or another but it just doesn’t stop hurting not now, maybe not ever.

Even though Murphy was sleeping most of the time during his last days the place just seems so empty without him…every time I would eat something I would sometimes get so annoyed when I saw that little face. The face of the dog that just wanted a little piece of whatever I was eating no matter what it was he didn’t know he’d like it or not just knew he wanted it.

In those last few weeks every morning I would be woken up by the wheezing and puffing of the dog coming into my bedroom after climbing the stairs just because he wanted a treat . Somehow he just decided that he deserved a treat in the morning and deserved a treat whenever we got back from being away and it was okay for me. Kym said that I spoiled him that I was making him fat but I believe that he was happy right up until that final trip . He was so good along the way I didn’t preface it with the ‘do you want to go on the car’ sort of thing (in better days Murphy just loved going in the car) I just picked him up and carried him out to the vet and that was that.

I took the coward’s way out. I didn’t stay with him when they gave him the lethal injection to put him to sleep. I just handed him over to the nurse and got out of there as fast as I could. That was all. And another wonderful life, a life that a little dog knew that he was loved and he always had a family, always had food and shelter and he always had a warm place to sleep, usually in someone’s lap, ended.

I know I will get over the loss of Murphy. And I know that I will feel better knowing that he went peacefully and without pain. I know that life will return to normal…but not right now.

5:00 AM November 21, 2014: emotional weather report

I have no idea why, at five o’clock on a November morning I woke up thinking that I needed to write a history of my life. Perhaps it came to me in a dream but I thought that the name of it should be “Peeling back the potato”. I guess that’s going to stick until I come up with something better will come after  I’ve had my meds and a couple of cups of coffee. I have I have thought about a few ways I want to format the book. Each chapter will be a title of a song I thought of too while I was waking up this morning…..or rather the dog was waking me up:

Love rain o’er me by The Who
If I had wings by Peter Paul and Mary

I don’t think that there is going to be any rhyme or reason to the chapters of this book just because there’s never been any rhyme or reason in my life was been sort of random and ADD. Perhaps someday I’ll put it all into some sort of logical order and be a best-selling author but I doubt it. I picture myself sitting in a small bar in Key West (a’la Ernest Hemingway)writing these words but I guess Naples Florida will have to do for now.

I have always thought that there is a writer lurking underneath my skin as evidenced by my many many blogs but I’ve never put anything together into a book form nor that never finish anything that I started– typical for me. But through the magic of a Kindle fire HDX that has voice recognition I may be able to do more not without a lot of editing but write my words right when I have them in my brain. I sometimes thought that I only great when I’m depressed but I really have no reason to be depressed right now my life is as it is and I am happy where I am .

I think that probably I will just continue to write the date and time on everything giving it a title and rambling on about what’s going on my life or the memories that I have. If this gets published anybody Rietze don’t know that I am somewhat ADHD especially for at my aforementioned meds….. No, check that, I am VERY ADHD before I have my meds.

So I definitely will need a nap today because it’s 10 minutes after 6 o’clock and I’ve been working on what I woke up thinking for the past hour or so. Seeing as how I work at 2 o’clock I will know I’ll need a nap before I walk to work. So I guess it’s time for coffee and sitting around playing games until I go to work. Like they say at Publix, ciao.
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